Saturday 29 May 2010

H-Bombs, Tequila and the Legacy of Lemuel Benedict

I'm dying. This could be my last blog.

The symptoms are almost beyond description: mouth feels like week old cat litter, stomach feels like I did a scene in Alien and eyes resemble, to use popular parlance, piss holes in the snow.

Thankfully by the wonders of modern technology I've saved on medical insurance and managed to self-diagnose via Wikipedia but the diagnosis doesn't look pretty. I'm staring down the barrel of either:

I) Ebola;

2) Bubonic Plague; or

3) The half bottle of tequila and 5 Jagermeisters I drank last night.

I'd pick option 1 but given that the most prominent symptom is that I look like I share hairdressers with Helena Bonham Carter its more likely the result of last night's all out renal assault. Damn you Bacchus.

Now from the ancient Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang right up to the Muller yoghurt TV ads, the theory that all pleasure must be accompanied by pain is fairly well known. Surely though if one thinks they went to bed with Shakira yet actually woke up next to
a cold Biryani then such utter misery is undeserved ?

The gods are indeed cruel.

Now I'm not one for self-pity (yeah right) so its time to enact that age old cure-all used by hangover victims the world over: eat anything it takes to make the pain go away. You know the scenario: walk into the supermarket and emerge an hour later with 27 different items that bear absolutely no relation to each other.

Today though I'm taking a more focused approach - the sniper rifle as opposed to the H-Bomb - today I have the elixir to tame even the wildest withdrawal ... A classic Eggs Benedict. A combination of deliciousness that would have dietitians running for the hills I make mine with smoked Canadian bacon as opposed to ham.

Next time you wake up looking like an extra from 28 Days Later give it a try, it might just save your life.

2 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is what I need. Now. If I can muster up enough energy to make it to the kitchen..
    Looks even better than the E.B at Shoreditch House. Amazing.
    PS. didnt realise we shared the same hair dresser ;-)

    ReplyDelete